I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
