Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
