Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I am spending my child support on dildos
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
