This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
