News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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