I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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