Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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