we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
