i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
