I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
