Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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