Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
