Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize