if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
