I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize