I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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