A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
