Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
cat food counts as protein by the way
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
