this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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