Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
