I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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