I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
