Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
