she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
