I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
