My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
