this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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