I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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