On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
