Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
