U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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