Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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