The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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