enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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