Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
