apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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