my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
