I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
