I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
