i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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