I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
