i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
