I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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