you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
