Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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