it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
