birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
