The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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