I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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