I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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