why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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