i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
