i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
