i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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