Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
