Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
