You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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